If it's not illegal, immoral or life threatening....

In hindsight the Captain may have regretted this outfit-  but kudos to his parents for allowing his self expression!!

Sometimes you hear a simple statement and it hits you like a ton of bricks.  I had that happen twice within the last 24 hours.  And I can't turn off my counselor brain to not further reflect on these simple statements.

My oldest daughter is working on an art piece to submit to her school Reflection competition. She has been working so hard on it and I'm really proud of her focus.  I have kept my distance to allow it to be her idea completely. Last night she was working on adding a layer to the painting and I mentioned "I wonder if yellow would work there?" An innocent suggestion I thought.    She just looked at me and calmly- but firmly said- "I'm pretty sure this is supposed to be MY work and ideas. I'm using orange."  Fair enough.

Moments later my husband, who had overheard this conversation, commented that our daughter had been one of the the only children at their recent father/daughter trip to design and carve her own pumpkin as most of the other dads had done the work while the girls watched.  His comment I believe was to support that she's independent and can handle her color selection.

But I heard more.

How often do we as parents try to "help" our kids but end up taking away their opportunities to learn? Do we remove their chance to be themselves or individuals because we want something to look a certain way and their own thoughts, images, plans aren't what we have in mind?  Do we stiffel creativity, individuality and the chance to learn because we are "helping" them? In such cases I would argue our help turns to hurt.

How are our children to learn if we always do it for them?  How do they express themselves if we place limits on who they are!?  How are they to live their lives if we are making their decisions for them?

Do I think parents try to hurt their children? NOT AT ALL! Quite the opposite. We try to protect. To shield. To help them present their best to the world. To be proud of who they are, what they create and have every opportunity possible.   But sometimes their ideas & their desired best may be different than what we would choose.  And that has to be OK.

I recall a conversation earlier this year where parents debated if they let their kids pick their own school picture day clothes or not.  Photo morning fights broke out for some and kids still had battle wound expressions in school photos for the children who disliked their clothing choices. The end result was still not a great photo - and a yearbook documentation of the chance to not be themselves.

It applies to everything. We have a chance to embrace our children as they grow or to knit pick along the way.  The first allows them to grow into confident and capable adults who know who they are.  The latter creates anxiety, frustration and a feeling of not being good enough.

While we have an obligation as parents to help our children when they are hurting or struggling, we also have an obligation to let them grow up and find themselves. To take personal responsibility (i.e. they didn't put their homework in their bookbag and had to explain that themselves vs. having mom or dad rush it to the school to save them.)  They have to learn through life experiences (maybe a coat would have been a good idea on that snowy day afterall.)  We have to allow them to feel the hurt of failure but also the honest joy of a true success of their own.

What we often intend is heard in an opposite manner.

What we say:                                        What they hear: 
Let's try another outfit.                           My style isn't OK.
I'll just help and do it.                             I'm not good enough to do it myself.
What if you did this?                              Can't I try it myself?  
You don't want to do that.                       Actually- I did. 
This room is really messy.                      Your free spirit doesn't cut it around here.
I'll look over this for you.                       I don't trust you did it well enough. 


My mom raised us with a pretty simple slogan that I try to apply to my own parenting style. I remember hearing it often actually. She would say "If it isn't illegal, immoral or life threatening- it  usually is OK."  She would choose to not fight us on such things. (See Mom? I was paying attention. THANK YOU!) I have my own collection of bad class photos but look at them and laugh with fondness remembering why I loved such style or haircut. [Perms were such a bad phase!]

Am I a perfect parent? FAR from it.  Do I need reminders that my kids are growing up (too quickly!) and they are their own developing, wonderful and talented selves?  Yes. Do I think that's amazing? Absolutely. Sometimes we just have to shut up and get out of the way to allow our kids to be just that- themselves.

And you know what?  The orange looked better than yellow anyway.