Creating Healthy CODs

I  preface this entry by saying I know it won't sit well with everyone.  I'm OK with that. Some may find that this hits too close to home.  Some will disagree. Some can't relate - and for that I am thrilled.  I hope you are not one who was impacted by divorce as a child and is not impacted by it as an adult.  Divorce sucks.  No way around it. I said it as a child, as a teen, as an adult and now as a counselor. Divorce just sucks.  No one really wins. 

The reality is, 50% of marriages today end in divorce so even if your own marriage is blessed with the happy "til death do us part"  love story, you likely know someone who has been touched by the big D. My goal is that this helps you, them, you, and children to create healthy outcomes for those impacted by divorce.   If my writing positively changes the behavior even one, then it was worth it!  

 “Mommy & Daddy are getting a divorce. We can’t get along and don’t want you to have to live with our fighting and anger at home. This will make it happier for everyone.” 

What a common line heard by children of divorcing parents.  And it makes sense in the moment. Lessfighting means a happier household.  Right?Sometimes that is true. But often times, the situation for children post-divorce is worse than it was before.  I've had children and teens tell me that they thought life would be better after divorce but are upset because the reality is life post divorce is not better but in some ways worse than it was when their parents were married.  

Parent alienation, attempting to balance between two new households and trying to remain whole yet feeling so broken are just some of the overwhelming parts of divorce for children who find themselves newly titled as a“COD” [Child of Divorce].  I write this not only as a counselor, but someone who also shares the COD title with so many.  

Sure, Mom and Dad don’t have to see each other every day or feel that they have to communicate on a regular basis anymore.  But the kids are now stuck in the middle.  “Ask your Mom….” “Be sure to tell your Dad….” They’re stuck and no longer do they have the role of a child with two loving parents but instead are in the middle playing the mediating messenger.  This isn’t a role they asked for and one that they find to be very stressful and frustrating. The childfinds that they start to pull away from both parents and hide information from both to prevent being stuck in the middle further. Teens may limit  face to face communication and prefer to text instead to avoid the emotional connection or blaming that comes from in person discussions.Younger children struggle to be truly open with parents.  They find that they are unsure who they can share what with and end up keeping most of it to themselves.  

While ideally both parents still support the child in his/her events (school plays, sporting events, birthday parties, etc.) the child now has the added stress of determining who to see first after the event.If I walk to Mom first then Dad is left out. If I go give Dad a hug now Mom will be offended. Sometimes the pressures of what to do after the event overshadow the enjoyment of the actual reason everyone is together.  

When the child is atone parent’s home they are hesitant to call or text the other parent out of fear that they will upset the parent they are with. Are they allowed to take their toys from one house to the other? Do they have to have 2 totally separate spaces or live in the suitcase in between?   

Divorce leaves children with a constant battle of choices that plays in the child’s head trying to not upset or hurt the person they are with; the reality is person hurting the most is the child themselves.    

As the child ages and work, dances, social outings and weekend events are more important the COD battles how to handle such situations. And having the parents tell them “No you can’t go- it’s my weekend with you” only adds fuel to the battle as the disappointments of divorce continue to control their life. 

Even adult CODs can struggle to balance the roles of 2 families.  Holiday celebrations are no longer his and hers but instead multiplied.  When two CODs marry they easily can have 4 holiday celebrations just with the in-laws.  Its stressful and can be overwhelming.  

When there are events for the adult COD it is difficult to balance who can/can’t come to which event.  Can Grandpa come to the kid’s soccer game? No not this week- Grandma is coming.  Who gets to celebrate Christmas on the 25th

this year? Who can come to the house for birthday dinner? Should we also do a brunch to include everyone?   How do we phrase the wedding invitations?  It’s just a constant balancing act to be a COD. 

Parents often find themselves (intentionally or unintentionally) bad mouthing the other parent. This confusing message for a child forces them to take sides. It requires that they hide part of their true feelings and emotions about the opposite parent.  Kids feel guilty when they go to one parent’s home and share “Mom and I had the best day ever!”because in the COD’s mind they are somehow being disrespectful to their Dad.  CODs are hesitant to share such emotions when the reactions of the parents are not supportive, engaged or excited for their child to experience a loving and strong relationship with the other parent.  When the kids share “Dad took us out to dinner and to a movie last night. It was awesome!” the response of “oh- I guess he has enough money for that but not for child support this month” isn’t what the kids need to hear.  In the world of social media the ability to bash the other parent is even easier than it was before.  Posting failures, accusations and negative comments don't only upset the intended recipient but negatively impact all relationships associated with both parties. CODs who watch their parents publicly shame the other are embarrassed, ashamed and confused even further by such actions.    Parents need to check their own hurt, opinions and baggage at the door and encourage the relationship with the other parent to be as strong as it was before divorce (and maybe even stronger after.)  Sharing your own hatred about the other parent is not only confusing but damaging to the COD.

When this alienation goes too far it is truly a form of child abuse and has been documented as such. While it doesn’t leave marks or bruises, alienating the other parent results in what some may argue are worse. CODs often struggle with depression, self-hate, low self-esteem,lack of trust and substance abuse, self mutilation, academic struggles, and earlier and sometimes risky sexual exploration.  

So the answer?  It’snot always easy, but by following these 4 steps, your newly created CODs have the best chance of survival and success.

1 -   

Divorcing parents must get along.

True, the marriage didn’t end as happily as it started. But the divorce is not permission to continue the fight.  The adults got out of the marriage. They’re free.  The kids didn’t. They are forever now CODs and unless the parents can get along, respect the other parent,encourage a loving and strong bond with the other person and truly invest in the welfare of the child(ren) together- the negative impact of divorce is one that will stay with the child long after the legal paperwork is completed.  This means divorced parents do not have the right to bad mouth the other parent to the child.  They cannot yell at the other parent while the child watches and overhears. They don’t get to complain about the other parent publically. Doing so not only creates insecurity, confusion and hate in the child.  You don’t have to like your ex- but you must be supportive of your child to have a loving relationship with that parent.Hating the other parent is hating half of the child.  They know it and struggle to live with such a message.  

2- Divorced parents must not share too much information with the child(ren) 

When newly divorced parents start to treat children as a peer (known as adultification) the kids usually like it. They're eager to please, feel let into the circle and it feel like they're being treated equally. But this actually cheats them out of the role of being a kid. They don't feel safe and cared for as a child should and often are exposed to topics they shouldn't be aware of or forced to handle emotionally.  Children do not need to know the financial battles of divorce and child support. They do not need to know the other’s opinion on who Mommy or Daddy is now dating or what they’re doing with their personal lives.  Children don't always need to know the exact reason for the divorce or the dirty details associated with it.  Parents must not expect their children to take sides or choose where they live and for what duration because that is a pressure non-CODs can’t begin to understand. The children cannot be in the middle of communication.  If it is a message that needs shared with the other parent then the parents must communicate that on their own.  Using the child as a peer or sounding board causes anxiety, anger and confusion.  

3- Divorced parents must still parent as a unit. 

Co-parenting benefits everyone. 

Communication lines must be open.  Secrets can’t be kept about what happens atone household or another. Shared values and parenting steps need to be agreed upon.  Plans for major events,celebrations, and holidays need to be handled with respect. Nothing ruins the holiday mood like listening to parents fight over who has the children when –or worse- spending the holidays at 3 locations so everyone “wins” (because no COD feels that was a win for them.)   Parents don't have to agree with everything happening at the opposite household but in matters concerning the children, having a team approach is the best option for all involved. It won't only benefit the child but it reduces anger, frustration and disappointment for both parents too. There should be many "we" statements surrounding the upbringing of your child.  Having the unified approach creates security, trust and confidence for the child in their relationship with their parents. 

If the ex is not able/willing to be a co-parent, enlist the help of someone. You can't do it alone.  A co-parent can be a aunt or uncle, grandparent, good friend, even a coach or neighbor. It takes a team to parent children and trying to do it solo creates a stress and isolation that benefits no one. 

And most importantly

4- Think about things from the child’s perspective. 

Is whatever action or comment you are able to say helpful, healthy and beneficial to them? If not- keep it to yourself. It sounds simple but I am reminded weekly by CODs and divorced parents alike that the actions of post divorce are often cruel, selfish and hurtful.   

William Shatner said "Divorce is probably as painful as death." He's right, but unlike death, we have the power to change the outcome of the divorce story.   

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