Intentional Parenting
"It's a girl!"
I couldn't have been more thrilled. There she was. My beautiful, perfect, healthy baby girl. I was a mom. She was my daughter. Our family was growing. Pure bliss.
And then the hospital sent us home 2 days later without instructions, without a manual, without fair warning (in my opinion) on what to do when the attitudes, back talk, fatigue, refusal to sleep, friends with different backgrounds or uninvolved parents, risky decisions or influences of the outside world, social media, alcohol or drugs and everything else in between phases showed up.
SERIOUSLY!? You sent me home with a baby and no manual!? You can't even buy a hairdryer without a thick instruction book.
But they did. And my husband and I are creating our manual (while borrowing chapters from friends with older children, church leaders, authors smarter and more experienced than ourselves) one day at a time.
Recently I have had the same thought rolling through my head "How do I make it so my children want to always be a part of our lives? How do we create a home in which they want to bring their friends to? To bring their own children to? What do we start, continue, stop doing to make them WANT us?" Because let's be honest- they're not always going to want us. And that's OK sometimes. Instilling confidence, the opportunity for growth, independence, learning how to be adults on their own is what we are called to do as parents. But wouldn't it be nice if they wanted us to be a part of their worlds still and they were excited to share their worlds with us?
So the thought that has rolled through my head lately along with the questions is "How will we teach them to want to be part of our lives at home if we don't create a chance for them to be actually be at home!?"
This point and concern was further validated this month for me when scheduling a family of clients who couldn't get their schedules to align so they were all available for an hour together. Mom was going to be at a meeting. Dad had another commitment. Daughter was going to be at a sports program and son was going to be at a theater program of his own. They admitted that the chance for them to all be together occurred maybe once-twice month for 2 hours tops before flying off to the next event, volunteer program, show, sport, etc. The oldest who was already in college hadn't been back home from school last fall except for Christmas break and even then was only home a few days before going skiing with friends the rest of the break. All the things they're doing are good things- but they're missing the big picture.....they're not together!
My heart fast forwarded to my own children's future. Was I creating a home in which they wanted to be a part of or was our schedule creating the inability to allow them to grow memories at home that they wanted to continue long into their adult lives. We took a serious look at our schedules and have cut some activities to allow more down time, said "no" to sports that take away from family time because of weekend and travel schedules, and committed to leaving certain nights open to just BE AT HOME AS A FAMILY.
In the world where kids play multiple sports per season in addition to tutoring, youth group, friends, after school jobs, clubs, scouts, texting, skyping, social media and so much more - and parents also juggle careers, volunteering, commitments plus their kids lives- it's pretty rare to see a family sit down for a relaxed "nothing on our calendar" evening.
The challenge- find more of those nothing times as those are the ones in which true memories and bonding happen. It doesn't happen rushing from field to stage to school to volunteer. (You know- the ones in which you're yelling at the kids to get their shoes so they're not late to their next event!) It happens in the down time when a conversation spontaneously starts while cooking together or playing around in the back yard shooting hoops. We must strive actively to create the home in which our children (and ourselves) want to always be a part of their lives. Because if we don't start now with intentional parenting that sets the foundation and modeling of an involved yet not overcommitted schedule- the expectation for our children to return to our lives once older is pretty slim. Anyone else have the lyrics from "Cats in the cradle" in their head!?
This beautifully written blog entry further detailed the home in which children want to be a part. I couldn't have said it better myself- and so I won't- but encourage you to read the entry over at Kindred Grace.