More than jewelry
I have a unique view into a lot of marriages. Couples ask me to have a very special seat in their relationship as they invite me to help when times are difficult. It is a blessing to have such opportunities.
In working with couples through hardship, heartache, struggle, anger, frustration and disconnect I have seen a very common pattern. It's a simple thing many would think but from my view, it's bigger than what often meets the eye.
This thing? Choosing to wear or not wear a wedding band.
I may be a tad biased on my view but I truly believe the wedding band should be worn through thick and thin, richer or poorer, sickness and health, angry or loving, frustrated or appreciated, loathing or annoyed. When we purchsased those rings it was a life committment to wear them as a symbol of our love, committment and promise for the future. The rings also tell the world about your promise. People can look and from afar know that he/she is in a committed relationship. The person wearing the ring should find confidence in that as well - a constant outward sign of internal feelings, a reminder in the times of temptation, a confidence in times of struggle, a status symbol even for a young mother in the maternity ward. The rings are more than just jewelry.
So why are they so quick to come off in a time of difficulty? Often when coulpes come one or both of the partners have stopped wearing a ring. And when questioned the response is "I don't feel married" or "S/he isn't acting like my spouse so why should I wear this?" or "I messed up too badly to deserve wearing it" or "I'm too mad to wear it." etc. etc.
I say wrong to all of those. Put the ring back on. The reality is you are married. You are in a relationship. And while it may not be pretty right now, the ring is more than just a piece of jewelry to take off when you're not feeling like wearing it. If taking off your ring- your sign of committment- your ability to get through the thick and thin and rely on the promises and vows you made is so easy- then we have bigger problems than meets the eye!
My ring bias continues further based on the rings of my late grandparents. When one of my grandfather's was in WWII and overseas he sent money to his then girlfriend and asked for her hand in marriage and told her to please buy herself a ring. She split the money in half and purchased her own band and one for him too. They were married soon after his return as a POW and those rings didn't leave their fingers for 65+ years of marriage. Though he has passed, she continues to wear hers.
My other grandparents also lived a full 60+ years of marriage together. My grandmother's hands had aged to a point her rings couldn't go over her knuckles and she sadly stopped wearing them as a result - until my grandfather found an amazing jeweler who was able to create a hinge in the ring so she could widen it to slip over her knuckle and then tighten it once in place. It was important for them, even as such a mature and established relationship, to maintain the wearing of their rings.
Those rings stayed on their fingers through the love, wars, moves, financial struggles, the dealth of a child, cancer, addiction, life threatening accidents, joy, sorry, happiness, growth of families, loss of loveones, travel and the day to day life that build marriage.
At the end, when the rings no longer had a constant home on their fingers but instead in the jewelry boxes of their relatives, they were still precious and maybe even more beautiful than the day they were first worn. The gold had lost some of its shine. Life and age had worn the once thick bands to much thinner states. There were dings, scratches and scuffs - both literal and figurative from their years of marriage. But they were solid, unending and a continual visual sign and internal awareness of the committment and promise made long before. In those tiny circles, what some may say is a rather plain piece of jewelry, resideded an entire lifetime of love, promise and testimony to the power of committment.
Leave the rings on.