Invisible Weight
By Lesley Cross, MA, LPCC-S, Seeing Clients in Worthington
Fatigue.
Calendar Exhaustion.
Mental Load.
We know the terms, we try to balance, but it’s this time of year especially I pause to remind [mostly] women of the invisible weight gain we’re all carrying right now and how that is plaguing our lives. And I pause not to try to tell you to reduce the load, because I know you’re going to add to it anyway, but to give you grace and say “I see you- I feel you- this is heavy- you’re allowed to feel stressed” and to ideally give some empathetic words.
I also pause to remind the [mostly] male partners that phrases such as “just relax”, “you don’t have to do that”, “it’s not that big a deal”, “you signed up for this - stop saying yes” are not the phrases that support your partner nor keep you safe during these times of additional stress. Additionally, I encourage these partners to see what the women in their lives are doing, proactively offer to help, give supportive comments acknowledging the amount of work happening and maybe limit the times you are focused on self and instead ask more about what she’s doing and more so, how she’s feeling!
If you’re wondering what I’m referring to, mental load is described as the unnoticed and uncompensated physical, mental and emotional labor completed behind the scenes to keep households & families happy, healthy & running effectively. This load is a 24/7 reality, but the holidays tend to add an extra level of stress to the already full load many are carrying.
I have noticed in myself the load increasing and showing the related stress. It hit me this week especially as I rushed from work to get a child from school early for a doctors appointment so I could return to school before sports practice started. We flew to the appointment, thrilled we made it in time, only to be told as we entered office that the appointment was for tomorrow. Sigh. Sure we’ll reschedule. Sure. Add it to the list.
For a moment I thought this “failure” was just me. Then, I looked up and had the confirmation I am not alone. It seems that my female clients, friends, and family members are all in the thick of this invisible weight gain period. The supportive social media posts are going around about “mom- why are you tired” listing all the reasons moms are tired. The spas, massage therapists and self care centers are reminding us to utilize them. We all know it. It’s out there. But what are we actually doing about it?
Chances are we are moody with partners, skipping sleep and self care routines, burning the candle at both ends trying to get it all done. We aren’t sharing what’s happening. We aren’t taking the time to do relaxing things for ourselves. We are stressed and just doing as much as we can, one holiday card, one school play, one kids practice, one game, one gift wrapping or planned family gathering all around our normal days, work, routine, carpools and chores.
I both laugh and empathize every year when the Saturday Night Live Christmas Morning skit is played. While it hits a little close to home for many sometimes, it perfectly displays the fatigue women are carrying.
I get it. I’m gaining that weight too. We are worried about coordinating outfits for photos, sending the holiday cards, getting gifts for everyone, ensuring we have them in time, wrapped, have shipped by the correct date, have the wish list, using the Santa paper, moving the Elf, not touching the Elf, asking ourselves why we ever got the Elf in the first place. We are thinking of what work deadlines we have, how to have dinner on the table around 4 different schedules, how to balance the sports schedule and get to and from the school(s) 72 times per week, how to crate holiday memories, ensuring everyone has their sports physical done in time, the paperwork for the field trip is completed, the family is invited to the right things, the vaccines are done for upcoming travel, the birthday gifts are purchased, the sleepovers planned and the memories are made.
Do we have to do all of this. The quick answer is No. No child spends a life in therapy if their elf doesn’t move. No friendships end if you mail the holiday cards in June- or not at all. Moms aren’t reported to CPS if the Santa paper isn’t used on Christmas morning. But, we want to do these things. And you know what- THAT IS OK! You are doing the things you want to do because they connect with your values, your core and the way in which you want to interact in the world. The load grows because we want to do the things that create memories for our family, we want our households to look/feel/behave in certain ways, we want (or often need) to do the things that our children require. Not doing things isn’t always an option for us. We choose these paths- but it’s OK that the chosen path is still heavy, challenging and fatiguing.
This next statement is not a judgement. In fact, it’s praise. Men are better at letting things go often times than women. I would be willing to bet my retirement account that no men’s happy hour includes the discussion on how much laundry is remaining to do or frustrating that the weather changed so the holiday card photos were held inside instead of out or if they’re stressed about finding the sold out Ugg slippers for the most desired holiday gift. The men aren’t worried that the baseboards need cleaned or the vet appointment is overdue or the kids acne cream is running low and needs a doctors visit to refill. I am also willing to assume that most scheduling of happy hours, pickup games, rounds of golf and cards nights don’t involve guilt over coordinating a friend to pickup a child or being home a little later or not being present to watch the sports practice or having mom do the bedtime tuck-in. Again, these are not bad things. Men, in many ways, you’re doing self care quite well! And you’re allowed and encouraged to do these things!
Moms, what I’m saying to you is- maybe we need to give up a bit of our mom guilt and mental weight to take that time for ourselves. How many of us have fit in a quick glass of wine with friends between 32 other events? Just one glass because I have to get back to XYZ. How many skip the book club, gym trip or have multiple spa gift cards left from prior celebrations because we can’t find time to use them? How many don’t ask for help? Or maybe share our frustration and don’t actually want help but surely don’t want to hear “then don’t do it. It’s not a big deal. Let it go!?’
As we are getting heavier with this invisible weight this season, I encourage us all to realize that you’re not alone. Seek comfort in fellow weight gainers. Allow yourself the long shower to just cry for a moment. A therapy session may be a great place to set it down before you pick it up again. Take a guilt free trip to use those gift cards. Ask for partners help and give details on what that means (chances are they don’t exactly know what you need or why you’re as stressed as you are). Give yourself grace to know this isn’t forever, but right now, it’s really heavy and that’s hard.
And know this: You’re seen. Appreciated. And understood.