Let’s talk sex…
by Lesley Cross, MA, LPCC-S
Working with adults & couples in the Worthington office
In nearly 100 credit hours of formal graduate and doctoral education, hundreds of continuing education hours, books, classes & literature it has become very clear that sex is a topic often written about. However, in the thousands of hours I’ve spent with clients and couples during sessions, it is even more clear that this is a subject not discussed nearly enough within relationships. As a result, it’s not shocking that sex is a hot topic within my office.
Let me be clear, we discuss it all! This is not a “I need a hug at the end of the day” stuff. That’s great, and sometimes it is discussed, but I’m not a counselor who shys away from the conversations about sex. Emotions surrounding sex are huge part of the struggles (or successes ) couples encounter during their relationships. As such, helping marriage counseling and couples counseling clients to feel empowered in their individuals and couple needs/desires, to feel comfortable discussing, owning and sharing this important part of themselves and their relationship, it’s something I believe is critical to assist my clients in owning.
Today, my message is the importance of foreplay. Hold on- you don’t have to turn the screen away for fear of X-rated blogging . This isn’t what you think as the type of foreplay I’m promoting begins well before you reach the bedroom. This foreplay is about creating the mood, the desire & mostly the emotional connection which then allows a couple to be their best, mutually desiring, most emotionally, mentally & physically present when they are in the same space together.
Sex isn’t just about having a place! For healthy connections, there needs to be a reason. This is a disconnect many couples find. They’re tired, frustrated, pressed for time, not connecting or trying to steal moments of intimacy between soccer games, bedtime and work commitments. The rush to get naked and get the job done doesn’t always work for both parties. Making sure there is a build up of desire before reaching those moments, even if stolen quickly, makes the time more powerful and meaningful.
So how do we do this? Here are some quick ways to increase your non-sexual foreplay which can lead to better emotional and/or physical connection with your partner when you’re together.
Send a sexy text mid day. Something as simple as “I can’t wait to feel your touch!” can definitely break up a boring work day. You’d be surprised how much desire and connection you may find reconnecting such flirting with your partner.
Learn the love language of one another- and SPEAK IT! Does your partner need words? (Send them or say them!) Do they crave a touch? (Be sure to give a good kiss goodbye or a long hug before you part.) What if your partner is a quality time or service person? This can be trickier when schedules are hectic- but mentioning what you’re craving or have done can connect with them (i.e. I planned your favorite meal for Thursday or I’m going to fill up your car with gas to help your day be easier!) The love language of gifts doesn’t have to be a costly gift. Something as simple as a favorite soda left in the car driver seat as a surprise or a single rose on the nightstand can ignite connection!
Express your needs. This can be challenging if you’re not used to sharing what you’re wanting. But strong sexual connection involves both parties wanting to please the other. Giving a road map (something simple & directive like “I love when you do X”) can help to build connection and confidence too!
When you have had a successful passionate moment, reflect with one another on that. “WOW- that was good! We need to do that more!” Letting your partner know you enjoyed what just happened allows them (and you) the increased confidence to focus on this important part of your relationship. This can be right after, or even the next morning, day or week. “Remember last Friday morning- whew- I’ve been thinking of it all day!”
Regardless of how you build your discussion and connection, the important thing is that you do build the comfort around discussing your sex life. And also remember - foreplay leads to great sex, but must begin before you reach the bedroom!